5 June 2023

Each day is different but one step closer to the transwoman I want to be. Sometimes it is difficult to deal with the change in hormones, the social difficulties and the problems I think most transpeople share.
This fragmented journal is a record of my progress with the problems and joys I face.

Alex

before I start…

dear diary, what a day it’s been

This is where I begin my documentation, it’s best to summarise the last few months only, how events recently demanded I came to this point, why I have to change…and the dots I am now joining to draw the real me at last. Through life I just tick along like most people, doing what is expected, like it or not, taking enjoyment where I could find it but mostly being underwhelmed. Not unhappy…just not happy.

Yes I have had some transformation experiences through life (since my early 20’s rather a drag queen look sadly) and some bisexual encounters but not things I ever believed could be permanent. Not something I thought could be me, so I looked no further…just another man trapped in the expected male role without enthusiasm or fulfilment.

I existed internally as a woman as always…unseen by the world (or so I thought.)
But something fundamental has always been missing, something very big…and until that FaceApp picture forced the penny to drop, I couldn’t see what was possible, who I was…and how much I needed it.

being prepared

Waiting my appointment, taking vitamins and supplements/herbs on a daily basis. I call it testing my resolve. Mimicking HRT with natural alternatives. Some effects both physical and psychological. My physical regime: losing weight, better diet, stopped drinking and keeping fit. Blood pressure taken every week and recorded. This stuff really matters.
notes:
A few things that are worth noting that I found along the way. Estrogen promotes female characteristics and is vital to ‘change.’ Testosterone inhibits estrogen and unless it is reduced you won’t get anywhere.


From reliable sources: foods that reduce testosterone levels…not many proven: Green tea, liquorice root (most others given credit like soya, have no medical evidence to date)
Pueraria Mirifica has a proven record and also contains phytoestrogens… plant based estrogen like substance.

now I’m sure

Weeks of waiting passed, deciding and preparing for my transformation. I know most of what is genuine and what is a myth, the changes to my body, mind and future life. There are plenty of conflicting claims on the internet. I’m only believing ones from government bodies, Medical institutions and the NHS (UK National Health Service) I’m elated and totally focused on achieving my transformation .

I’m telling my family and friends, that’s important. I’m coming out in one big announcement…that surprised me. They are all being positive, interested and keen to know what all the transgender thing is all about. People want to get graphic I’m finding…and sexual. Most questions revolve around those topics. Most are very surprised by ‘before and after’ photos of trans women. I have a few favourites I tend to show…they are pretty unbelievable. Looking closely some enhancement and perhaps a little filler or botox but does that matter? Many women do that so why not trans?


I’m so sure of what I want to do, who I have to be…and who I am. I’m burning the bridges behind me…is that a good idea? Perhaps I have to, to be totally sure…no doubts…no turning back. Many of the physical effects of hormones can be reversed I know but I’m going in thinking they are not and I won’t be changing my mind.

Thing is, no-one is surprised at my coming ‘out’…especially my sister and my ex. I’ve always known I was female on the inside…I just didn’t know others have always known it too.

Been a while and I should have updated but so much has happened. Online advice and links have helped so much. There is a lot of nonsense online though, and plenty of ‘snake oil’ and misinformation.
This week I bought a lot of hair removal products (list to follow) most are creams…and a personal hand laser. The laser claims a lot of things for painless hair removal…we will see.
(I will do a review on it…show what happens)
Beard removing cream: great claims made on the ebay advert and the box.

Body hair is my enemy, has been for many years but more so now than ever. It has to go…all of it, I can’t bear to see it. Body shaving every other day is time consuming and tiresome but to see stubble on my arms or legs, or anywhere…I hate it.
Beard removal is the number one priority for me… and permanently.

use carefully

licorice root


Going easy on the licorice root, a proven T blocker ( reduces doesn’t stop) it can be dangerous to take too much…sounds strange but it is true. I checked that claim with my doctor…and she confirmed it.

Does it work as a helpful T blocker (testosterone blocker) yes I would say so. Libido has dropped to zero…a good indicator. All the effects low Testosterone cause…I have.

early effects; day to day


I’m on my programme. What I want to record are my feelings and physical changes.
I have a preoccupation with ‘becoming a woman’ it has blocked out most other interests and conversations…I’m aware that I have become a trans bore, talking about it at any opportunity.

Friends are interested but are expecting me to change faster than I will. Looking back I should have toned that down a bit. Their expectation is too high and I feel unable to live up to what I said would happen. Take breasts as an example, after 5 months there was some growth but nothing that would impress anyone.

Some days I look in the mirror (well most days to be honest) and think nothing has changed has it. I still look the same. Hair is longer and some makeup but otherwise, the same old face looking back at me.

At this point I would like to mention gender dysphoria. I have it..and badly I think. My perception of my face and body is warped by it. It is akin to anorexia nervosa in that my perception of how I look has no basis in reality. I have a distorted view of myself…I know this but I can’t see myself any other way. Studies have shown that facial changes while on estrogen are very real, the patient’s gender dysphoria is not changed even when physical changes have taken place. So looking in the mirror is a psychological minefield…and one I can’t rely on for an honest assessment.

My brain is constantly working against me I feel…why does it do that?

An average day is one that starts cheerful and positive, the 40 mins needed to get shaved, put on makeup and clothes feels a pleasure…if something of a high maintenance chore. For sure a big part of the day is set aside to body maintenance….I’m hoping to get that down a bit.

Mood swings can happen in a moment and without warning, quite often for no apparent reason or cause. A memory or something I see will spark it off…sometimes I just descend into a sadness without noticing. Others do though and then I have to try and disguise it. It can last minutes or sometimes longer…but rarely for too long.

how should I act as a woman?


I’m putting this here as it becomes increasingly clear that growing up male is socially programmed for certain gender roles There is very much a males matter females don’t subtext written into our upbringing. What a man thinks or believes is more important than what a woman thinks. Male views dominate and women are expected (yes expected) to put the needs and feelings of others before their own. Women believe this too. Perhaps outraged at some aspects but broadly speaking they think of themselves as of secondary importance. They grow up believing, women should be positive, supportive and not complain about their own problems. Always a smile. I have asked many women…and this is their view, taught to them in childhood….mostly by their mothers.

What type of woman am I? I can’t undo my life experience, or pretend to have been taught all these female characteristics at my mother’s apron. There are things in my personality that will be forever masculine. Fortunately all women are different, so there is room to still fit in. Though some tempering of my actions and opinions will be necessary. This all sounds a bit prescriptive…but at least I am aware, it’s more than my looks that need to be changed

hormones have changed how I think and feel

girl, camp, flowers, yellow, beauty, nature , pretty, outdoors, portrait, outside, field, sun, sunset, sunrise, women


There is a calm about me and a happiness. Happiness in everyday things; the weather, sparrows feeding on the bird table, looking down at my new clothes and shoes…yes shoes…I’ll have to write something big about shoes. They have always been an obsession…but this is bordering on a clinical disorder haha. The average woman has 38 pairs of shoes I read…just 38? How could you cut it down to just 38?

Emotions are heightened, they were there before but now they are so much more intense. It isn’t as easy to snap out of a feeling…and in many ways I don’t want to. There is a pleasure in feeling things affect my emotions….as if I need to experience it inside. I tend to act on my heart far more than my head now…it isn’t a conscious decision either. I’m drawn to my instinct rather than my reasoning.

depression

Forget-me-not


It isn’t all happy days, sometimes I’m just a little blue others it is a bit darker. I have learned (or am learning) how to cope with the downs. There are times when what I am doing fills me with doubt and negative thoughts. That I’m kidding myself and everyone thinks I’m a fake. Then other thoughts of the pointlessness of life; the dysphoria the self loathing and the despair. These thoughts are transient…and I know it…others have said and warned me.
‘You will have times like this, almost everyone else does.’

I keep that in mind at all times and yes it passes usually within a few hours…or less. It goes on its own usually. What triggers it is quite often something trivial…and going with it, riding it like a bad dream is how I get through. I did try to force myself out of it but that didn’t work. Depression and anxiety are part of the deal, if you know that, it isn’t so hard to deal with. The positive side outweighs it totally. As long as the people around me know it is just a natural part of the process…it’s all good.