23 May 2024

The bubble has burst and the honeymoon is over, something has happened!

I’m trying to figure out how to say this…what has happened? Well…my old life has gone (we will come back to that) I’m not who I used to be.
The first year was buying clothes, makeup and being ‘out’. Some fashion mistakes in there and far too much makeup. Why too much? Overcompensating I think. I so want to *’pass’ I give it a huge boost!
That is a mistake, if anything it works against me. I stand out as overdressed, inappropriate makeup, and not blending in. A cis woman would not do that. I have to learn how much is enough.
You might think, that isn’t so bad but when you get misgendered it feels worse. That is going to a big part of this post, the painfully effects of gender dysphoria. That subconscious inner self that screams to stop this pretence!
I understand for each transperson this is going to be different. Some don’t care if they ‘pass’ or not. Others don’t venture out, or live a double life…not ‘out’ 100% of the time. But to be called sir when you are dressed the best you can is soul destroying. And yes it does matter. The effects are cumulative and I relive it over and over.
Now I am Alex only…there is nowhere to go back too…so how to cope with the realisation, 12months of HRT isn’t going to transform my body into a woman. In fact in many respects, HRT does very little. I am on the way but nowhere near where I want to be.
If you haven’t started HRT it is important to understand the process can take years. There are feminising changes happening….but very slowly. Don’t be taken in by those transformation photos on Google. Yes with makeup and filters you can be anyone…but in real life…you are still you.
How to deal with that is the subject of this post.

Be realistic about the transformation

Each of us has different challenges and problems. I was very fortunate, I looked a bit female to start with. Here are a few of the things that physically won’t happen:

  • Your bust is extremely unlikely to grow beyond an AAA cup.
  • The rib cage is going to stay male. To really approach a hourglass, remove ribs.
  • Pelvis will not change, the characteristic female shape won’t happen.
  • Voice won’t change without voice training
  • body hair thins but doesn’t stop
  • removing a beard is very expensive and painful.
  • a big butt and thighs has to be achieved surgically…
  • fat redistribution…well mine hasn’t changed that I can tell
  • Face feminisation is down to luck and how far your face can go
  • the skull doesn’t change…again FFS surgery
  • Feet/hands don’t get smaller
  • height doesn’t change…though I beg to differ I have lost 2″ in height

Body shape is down to me. I have lost 36lbs and still dropping but it has been hard work and taken 8months. The characteristic male torso can be changed by dieting.

Most of the feminisation is down to correct dress, makeup, hair, voice. Also how I act, move, stand smile and interact. The inner me is the most important part of how I am perceived. I could just be an ugly male looking woman…plenty out there haha. The vital part is to be the woman inside on the outside. Voice is a dead give away as are male gestures and attitudes.

Finding the real you is hard

No sooner had I reached the beginning of my second year than I crashed. Who was I? What did I want? for almost I week I couldn’t face the mirror, myself or even have the confidence to go out…and certainly not alone. Self confidence, like my maleness, had packed its bags and left. Selfies were out of the question…and everyone wants to see your progress. I felt a fraud, all I saw was the same me that I had always been…and it was depressing. I know my self image is distorted but somehow that doesn’t help.

So what the hell was I going to do?
This part of the journey wasn’t anticipated, and I had no idea how to cope with it.
The secret for me was just do nothing, take stock of what I now was and perhaps build from that. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I didn’t look like I hoped and often I had no enthusiasm to do anything. So what am I? The word trans has so many definitions and many didn’t sit right with me. I was reading more and learning about things I didn’t know existed. I can see now I am non binary. That ticks a lot of boxes.

It is a big step forward to look outside of my comfort zone…

Experiences are how I move forward, I had none to call on…so that leaves me flapping like a fish out of water. Each day I have more to call on though, friends online and family. It makes a big difference not to be doing this alone.
There is now a framework forming, one I have built that fits my hopes and abilities. It is partly what I want but also accepting I’m not ready for all of it yet. Also what I can reasonable expect to end up with from HRT.
There are plenty of things to be decided yet as to what woman I will be. Now it is about living my new life, not just looking forward through rose tinted spectacles.

*(pass=to be thought a woman in public)